Hospitals

Strangely enough, in spite of my numerous hospitalizations, I never became addicted to bensodiazepam. I knew how they worked, they were heavenly when I really needed them. As I mentioned in previous posts, I suffered severe panic anxiety due to booze. I knew the panic would go away if I only stayed sober for a couple of weeks, but my sober periods rarely lasted that long. Bensodiazepam helped, during those periods, but they were hard to come by. When I had them I was extremely careful about them and saw to that I had at least one, for important cases ... when I needed to see some authority person or the likes.

Now, that I was living in this northern city, where they had this big hosptial, they had a special clinic for booze people. One ward for women and one for men. It was like a hotel ... beautiful, you got your own room, there was a smoking room, good food, the staff must have been angels. Seeing these people time after time was associated with such shame and guilt. Once I asked them how the heck they could work there, and weren't they just so fed up seeing us time after time ... same people coming back. They said no, if they only saved ONE, it would make it worthwhile.

The panic anxiety, I think, in hindsight, played an important part in my final quitting. All get to that later. As I knew that it was totally booze related, I sometimes thought about all the people that suffer from it without knowing where it comes from ... and I felt truly bad for them. It was hell on Earth. Its exacerbation was rapid. It became a vicious circle, where I started to think about it before I even left the apartment, so I had to turn around and get back inside countless times.

On busses, in grocery stores, in the post office, I sometimes tried to think it away ... Of course, it never helped. I tried to persuade myself as I knew that it wasn't lethal ... I wasn't going to die then and there from anxiety ... It always won! I had to get off the bus and walk. I got a helluva lot of exercise.

A short time after I'd quit for real, I went to a movie theater on my own ... it went well, and I actually enjoyed the movie. I felt immensely proud of myself when I walked out of there. I still think about how it felt and I'll never forget.